Now Normal
It's hard to believe I have arrived at the 2 year marker of my accident. May 16, 2018. A day that marks time in my world. The months prior to that day always bring a lot of reflection for me. It is as though when Earth starts to open into spring my body remembers the season and what it once brought. And when THE day arrives, my body remembers in a way that is hard to describe. This year I felt a heaviness, a sadness, a sense of loss for all the change. I felt lonely and a little lost. I know many of you have your own monumental days of events that changed the landscape of your lives. I am certain that I'm not alone in hoping that one day these heavy emotions are processed and I can sail through the memory of this day with peace. But for now I must give space for what is here.
Alongside the difficult things to feel, today I want to acknowledge that some of the change is good. Life has adjusted to the reality of what is NOW. The undefeatable human spirit. Amazing people I may never have met are in my life. Spiritually I have been stretched and secured a new depth of belief. Emotionally I have healed and integrated lost parts of me. Physically, though the triumphs are many, I still struggle in this body. I pray that all is repaired, restored, and reset. I am grateful for all that is and I hold hope for the possibilities of so much more.
TWO is more of a settling in to what is. Acceptance. At two years, the changes that came about through my accident have become more normalized. At first there was a fierce fight to regain normal. ME. MY LIFE. It is all I knew to reach for. Then there was a long stretch of LOST. IN BETWEEN. Unsure of where to reach. Determined to heal. Surrendered to the process. All in. Somewhere around 18 months there emerged a shift within me. What is now, just feels like life. I still won't use the medical buzz word of "new normal" after brain injury, because I believe in my body's ability to heal. I remember when they would use that term and I would smile and say if there's going to be a new normal, it's gonna be a better normal. I simply will not accept anything less. But I have had to adjust to and temporarily accept NOW.
The truth is if we stay in something long enough, searching for peace and keeping gratitude at the forefront, eventually we find acceptance. This is NOW. Here I am. It isn't resignation, it is a breath. Here. NOW. It's the only place I can be.
I go back-and-forth with pushing myself hard to regain what I have lost and pulling back trying to do things differently, more gently. Limitations are not my mojo. I have to find loving tenderness and grace for myself. Self sufficiency has had to reconfigure... into complete dependence on others for some of my needs (deep breath). I am finding balance. Maybe that's the healing. So many things I still want to do and regain... I can get lost in the days and forget the journey that I'm on. Slow rewards. Step-by-step. Unfolding. Time elusive.
I am constantly asking myself am I losing or gaining? Moving forward or back? Is this way better or worse? Will I get where I want to go? In learning to function from here, am I accepting or resigning? My heart feels broken for what I've lost, grateful for what I've gained and determined to win back what is worth fighting for from before. I am not ok with my eyes here forever. I'm not ok with not driving. I'm not ok with the limitations of my sensory system or the chronic pain loops in my body.
But I AM ok with me... all of me... here, now. "Now normal" not "new normal." I accept the NOW normal and I work from within this place. I find ways to continue to bring my magic to the world and I find ways to heal my own body deeper and more completely. I am trusting that my NOW normal will keep changing and evolving until one day the new normal that has been born of these circumstances will be glorious! The gains tangible. The losses nurtured, held, and digested. The NEW NOW will be an ever unfolding good-for-me stream.
I accept NOW.
I accept me.
All of me. As I am.
From this acceptance, now can bloom into new and all will be well.
I pray you find peace and gentle acceptance in your own NOW. Always know that you are loved.
Kara