The Stuff Legends Are Made Of
This month marks an event in my life that I wish wasn't in my calendar. The injuries my body sustained in the accident 3 years ago have limited and changed every aspect of my being. I have not left any stone unturned in my quest to heal completely. I have done everything I know to do to nurture this beautiful brain and body back to health. And yet it is still so hard to be in her. It is challenging not to fall prey to the mental battle. Often times it feels like I am fighting a losing game.
I've been thinking a lot about the stuff that legends are made of. We always think of the glorious victories, the massive contributions, legendary tales for which everyone sits riveted... I don't think people generally want to hear about the lows of depression, the battle to function when your brain is getting 40% blood flow, the hopelessness that lurks around unexpected corners. It's hard to make those things sound pretty so I tend not to write them. Lately I've been thinking that maybe this is the stuff that legends are made of. It's the behind the scenes grit that nobody out there really ever sees. It's the stuff that gets cut from the movie script. It's the stuff that you barely speak of out loud. It is getting up when you don't see a path forward and your body tells you to quit.
In the years leading up to my accident I worked so hard to heal and create a life that I love. And I truly loved my life. It feels like most everything I worked for has been taken away. And the limitations in my present body do not allow me to build something else that I like better (yet!!) I'm not sure anyone wants to hear about my story in this phase... So I remain pretty quiet. I keep the depths of my heart and my journey to myself. It feels like too much to be that vulnerable. If I'm sick of living it, people must tire of hearing about it. I don't want to pollute the happy headlines.
I'm not the friend I want to be. I'm not the neighbor I want to be. I'm not the mom I want to be. I'm not the daughter I want to be. I'm not the sister I want to be. I'm not the auntie I want to be. That makes me cry. It's a desperate feeling, like my life is passing me by.
I struggle to be in this body. In most ways I do not feel like myself. I have a tremendous amount of pain all the time. My body has gone into a state of metabolic disorder. My energy is low and my body is weak. I have to carefully plan and execute every day so that I use the little energy and brainpower that is there to accomplish the things that are required of me. Life has become a sensory maze. This social butterfly has to be a hermit so as not to overstimulate and crash. Even when I do venture out I put on a happy smile and try my best to enjoy where I am but it's always a feat. There's very little that is actually deeply enjoyable. For my brain, everything is something to be endured.
Dig deeper, Kara... Can you love your life like this? I have to. It's the only life I get. But I don't know how to exist in the world with this body and its limitations. I don't know how to overcome the sorrow of existing like this. I don't know how to engage in the world enough to do what is expected of me, and then accept that is all I have. There is no steam for laid back, light and breezy, silly fun, making jokes and enjoying memories. There's no steam for me to be me. The deep spiritual rivers running through me seem to be silenced for the sake of function and survival. My brain exists in a state of such survival just to check the boxes. And I'm gonna tell you 1st hand, that is not satisfying. I'm a lover and a dreamer. I'm always squeezing the juice out of life. I LIVE FOR JOY!
I'm not done fighting. I stay pretty quiet because I'm trying to breathe. I don't want to burden people and I don't want to ask too much because my needs have been tremendous in the last 3 years. Speaking of legends, the people who have stood by me and sacrificially helped me through this really are the stuff that legends are made of. My wish is that they are loved and always cared for. There is no price tag on true kindness. There is no limit to love.
If you're not loving your life right now, I challenge you to take a look at what's not to love and make some changes to build a life that you really do love living. I know what that victory feels like... with your heart aligned, moving with intention. It's worth it. Do something you've always wanted to do deep in your heart. Step out of your comfort zone and let yourself fly. Take tiny steps in your everyday life to do little things that make your days more pleasant. Give what you have and don't forget to receive what you need in return... For this is how we keep the circle of love going.
As always, know that you are loved